But Zombie Squirrels Don't Wear Lipstick... Do They?

One of the worst feelings is that moment when you realize that you are not wearing what you thought you were wearing. And there's nothing you can do about it. It usually stems from getting dressed in the dark. Or in a hurry. Or hiding from the zombie squirrels. OK, I've never actually experienced that last one, but it would have be hard to coordinate your outfit in such a situation.

Like the one night when I was getting ready for bed... I took out my earrings and discovered that they were not a matching pair. They weren't even CLOSE. And I had been wearing them all day. At work. In front of everyone. And no one told me. Sometimes I find myself in awe at what a loser I can be.

But way worse than that was the time I was sitting in my kids' Sunday school class and I glanced down to see brown shoes sticking out from under the cuffs of my black pants. I could have SWORN I'd put on black shoes that morning! Of course, I didn't actually swear, because I was in church, but I could have! But what I did do was quietly get up and leave. I raced home, changed my shoes and made it back before the worship service started. It's very likely that nobody would have noticed anyway, but I was mortified! I imagined that I must look like somebody's senile grandma; all I needed was some red-orange lipstick drawn about half an inch outside of my actual lips and I'd be all set to scare small children. Maybe some of that rose-scented perfume that always made me gag as a child. Who decided that roses smelled good, anyway? I was CERTAINLY not consulted on that issue. Logic would tell me that we all have different tastes in what does and doesn't smell good. Logic would tell me that, but I wouldn't listen to Logic, because Logic probably thinks that roses smell good. Or that brown shoes go with black pants. Stupid Logic.